Disclaimer: Duck Dodgers, X-2, Cadet and all relating characters are © Warner Brothers and used without permission. This fic may be freely distributed, but not altered in anyway.
Series: Duck Dodgers.
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Cartoon Slash, Some language, Non-consent, anal.
Contact - spug@dirtybaka.com

A Spaceship named Desire
By Spug


Part one

That earthling. How .. How dare he?

He was not some random living trophy. He was not something that could be just handed over, especially when that last time he check, he didn't recall that wet beaked imbecile owning anything other then his foul mouth and bad tastes in salty snacks.

X-2 was the COMMANDING officer of the Martian Military.. yet.. here he sat, in chains, in a silky skirt, in a wig. Again that being DODGERS doing. On a pillow, with a stinky creature making illicit passes at him.

" Ah, what'z zee matter, Turtle Dove, You no like your new home, eh? Do not worry my little black flower, You will be having zee good time soon enough, no? " The skunk yanked on the chain and X-2 grumbled.

Interesting predicament?

How did it start? Well....

~.~

" Look what you've done, Dodgers! " A impeccable white gloved finger was shaking in subdue anger. Despite his unalarming height of mearly two feet nine, the Martian Commander could exsert a bit of order now and then. Two enormous, expressive eyes in his all but featureless black face were frowned and glittery with discontent.

" Look at this mess! Are you daft? Who taught you to drive, Dodgers? There was sixty-two feet, I MEASURED, between your ship and mine! How on MARS did you hit me? " The other hand was hooked to a slender black hip, just above where the Martian's armored skirt circled out. His helmeted head bobbed as he continued to bitch, a white and red shoe tapping aggressively against the metal floor of the landing dock outside of Hop n Stop Space diner.

But of who he was complaining too? The afromentioned, Duck Dodgers? The surge of the Galactic Protectorate? Why, that black anthro duck stood right at the edge of the platform, just a few inches from where his ship had miraculously rear-ended the Martian Cruiser, steam and smoke pilfering up from the jagged metal.

" Aha... " A blue gloved finger scratching indecisively under that large orange bill. Occasionally Dodgers webbed booted foot gave a precarious tap to the platform as well. The skintight light blue uniform he wore was usually pretty impressive on most Galactic protectors, but with the way it had to loop around the ducks tucked tail and waddly back end was rather depressing. " You know, Cueball. " The duck let spit fly with every word that he drug out of his bill. " I coulda swore I had a good 'nother ten feet, Whoops, guess I didn't measure up with the ol peepers well enough. "

" DODGERS! " X-2 let out a huff and the tiny Martian scurried over to the earthlings side and jabbed an irritated gloved finger into the mallard's chest. " There are lines, warnings, and a speed limit... all of which you had randomly decided to ignore, had you, I repeat, had you paid the minute amount of attention to any of these, we wouldn't be in this situation. " X-2 continued to dig that rounded fingertip into the duck's torso, producing a squeak each time he landed it. " No... not WE, I. Because your ship doesn't even have a dent. "

The earthling just shrugged his shoulders and having enough of the chest gouging, landed an elbow on the top of the Martian's brushy helmet and leaned into the other with all his weight. " What can I tell yah, runt? Earth obviously makes much better ships then Mars, if I were you, I'd seriously think about talking to Ol Queeny about cutting budgets elsewhere, say, less time manufacturing pretty skirts? "

X-2 grunted as he tried to shove Dodger's arm off his helmet, the cumbersome item digging down into his scalp. " Don't you mock me, Earth-creature, it's NOT a skirt.. but that's not the point, it's bad enough I have to deal with you during war time, but even at a standstill you managed to dig your tedious existence into my backside.. NOW, it's your fault, What are YOU going to do about it? "

The duck rolled his eyes and shove down a bit more before stepping away from the Martian and letting his head bounce back up. " Pffft... Shortstuff, I got insurance you know, you're just gonna have to sit your little self down on the curb and wait till someone's not busy enough at the Towin' company to come tow your sorry excuse for a vehicle away.. Nahha.. "

" But that could take hours, Dodgers.. I can't sit here for hours.. " X-2 adjusted his helmet up out of his eyes, and for a split second, one could catch a moment of panic and helplessness. " You.. You.. You can't just leave me here! "

" Can and will.. " Dodgers yawned as he reached for the door of his ship, only to suddenly screech back as Eager Young Space Cadet popped out of the doorway. The pig anthro snouted nose to nose with Dodgers and held up a parchment of paper.

" I'm afraid Capt'n, that due to p-p-pa.. Legal agreement of post war, that in the event of a c-c-collision, you ARE actually r-r-responsible in helping the other party to safety and or needed area of transportation. " The cadet blinked a few times, smiling oh so innocently as Dodgers reached out and snatched the paper from him. The mallard skimmed over the document, as best he could, after all he read very poorly. When he reached the bottom, he let out a sneer and crumbled up the paper.

" Oh that's just great, Y'know Cadet, when we get back to Headquarters, I'm gonna have a nice long serious talk with ol IQ-Hi about all these really stupid rules and regulations they keep coming up with. " He tossed the paper ball and let it bounce of X-2's helmet.

" Actually Capt'n, that rules been in existence for well over fi-fi-fi.. quite a good while now. " Cadet offered with a raised finger. Dodgers mearly shot him a murderous look and planted a palm against the pigs face and shoved him back into the ship.

" Well? " X-2 coughed from where he stood. A brow raised in question at the Protectorate Earthling.

" What? You really expect me to follow those stupid rules? Pfft, next they're gonna tell us we're gonna have tah lick the heels of jerks who kick us in the as!. " Dodgers glared at the little Martian for a long moment, but Commander X-2's unheeding stare did not faultier. The earthling finally throw up his arms in the air and gave a loud frustrated sigh. " FINE. Come along Cue-ball, I'll give yah a lift to the stupid DFSS. ( *Department of Fueled Space Ships ) Sheeeze, but don't expect any star treatment, you'll be lucky if I don't make you ride in the broom closet. "

" Oh .. goody. " X-2 sighed to himself and lowered his eyelids to a satisfied state. " I'm sure the broom closet will be far better company anyway. "

" Hardy Har Har Har, Miss Molly Martian. Vommosh yourself upon my ship before I leave your skirt-wearing butt in my dust. " Dodgers gave a comical bow, his arms stretched to follow up the ramp into his ship. " And oh you owe me for this one, buster. "

" Oh, I'll loose many a sleepless night over how just to replay your KIND gesture, Earth-Creature. " X-2 mocked as he skuttered past the duck up the ramp. Dodgers wouldn't let him board with having the last word though. Right as the little commander got to the top of the ramp, the Earthling, whistling, swung his foot and booted the Martian right in the ass.

X-2 let out a cry as he rolled over his helmet and landed against a console. Dodgers meerly entered his ship and slap the button of the bay doors to close. " Ewwwww... how about not giving me a such a peepshow, Pipsqueak? I just had lunch. "

The Martian folded his arms against his lithe chest and glared at the earthling from his upside down position. " I loathe you Dodgers. "

--

Four hours later, Commander X-2 stood a few feet from Dodger's chair, staring rather unbeknownst at the dipstick he'd allowed to give him a ride. Dodgers was too busy mauling over the screen, studying the map, tracing a blue gloved figure from Planet C to Plant Q and into the unknown, to even notice him.

" Lesse... a left turn at Pluto, a right at the Alpha Centauri... y'know I think we just missed it. "

" DODGERS! " The Martian commander stomped a foot against the floor and leaned toward the earthling captain. " The DFSS was only a fifteen minute hop from that diner at Warp One, you've gotten us lost, admit it. How on Mars, no, How on EARTH did you become a Captain of your own vessel if you get lost going from two simple places? "

" Get out of my face, Cue-ball. " Dodgers facepalmed the Martian and turned back to the screen. " It's just a little setback, no worries, we got enough fuel to go around the solar system four times, Keep your skirt on.. "

" Actually Capt'n. " Cadet piped from behind his control modular. " I think we have gone around t-t-three time at least. " The pig shot the Martian and look and gave him a confused shrug.

" Well, that's great, when were you gonna tell me we were running low on fuel? " Dodgers sunk back into his chair and grumbled, sticking out his tongue and raspberring in his dismay.

" Actually Dodgers, he's been warning you about low fuel every ten minutes for the last two hours. " X-2 rolled his eyes and sighed, this was just wonderful. He was stuck, in the middle of the universe, god knows where, with Duck Dodgers. They were going to run out of fuel, and he'd go mad simple watching this buffoon make spit bubbles. " We're going to die out here.. " He added with a sigh.

" Nah, Short stuff. " Dodgers reached out and thunked twice on X-2's helmet. " Doncha worry, I'd eat you first, you wouldn't have to starve.. fact, Yah might wanna go into the kitchen and start peppering up, I get mighty hungry 'round ten O'clock. "

" Honestly Capt'n Dodgers. " Cadet shock his head from where he leaned on his console now, a chubby hand shoved into his cheek. " Sometimes I wonder. "

" I'd rather not be eaten. " X-2, forced to fix his helmet, AGAIN, muttered. The little alien snorted and turned around and headed toward the back of the bridge. " You should at least put out a Call-Of -Distress, if a passing ship comes along, you COULD get the right coordinates and we possible could make it back BEFORE they impound my Cruiser. "

" Awwww, Call for help? That's what DAMES do, I'll never call for help. " The earth-duck spat in the retreating Martian's direction.

" Capt'n.. "

" What Cadet? " Dodgers snaked an evil glance toward his little pig sidekick.

" N-need I remind you about the time you wasted the Core toasting bagels? " Cadet tilted his head and smiled.

Dodgers sunk even lower in his seat, grumbling to himself. " You're despicable. " He reached over and slapped the SOS switch.

--

There was nothing X-2 would have liked more right now then to be back on Mars, curled up in his bed with something to read, hell, even duty on Uranus would have been far better then being stuck on Dodgers ship like this. He'd curled himself seated at the back of the Bridge. Arms around his knees, face tucked between them. He'd nearly nodded off twice in his utter boredom, listening to the Earthling's bicker back and forth. It had been almost two hours since Dodgers had put out the distress call.

Maybe no one was ever going to come.. and he truly WAS stuck out here with these disgusting Earth Creatures...

" Capt'n " Cadet's cheery voice rang out. " We've gotta Veh-veh-veh- unidentified ship coming up along our starboard side. "

" Oh boy, here we go begging for help... " Dodgers drummed disappointed gloved fingers along his bill. " The things I do to keep galactic peace.. okay, lets give these jerks a hail. "

" Actually Capt'n we're already being hailed. "

" Well onscreen already, sheeze, do I have to give orders for everything? " Dodgers sat up in his chair and crossed one leg over the other, folding his hands together.

" Yes Capt'n. " Cadet saluted and flicked a few switches.

The Galactic Protectorate logo flashed off screen. X-2 lifted his head to try to get a good look at who was hailing, Though, predictable, Dodgers was blocking a good portion of it.

" Allo? " A thick accent, alluring and deep dripped from the speakers. On screen a large fluff of black and white could be seen over Dodger's blocking head. " Zis es SS Le Loveboat, Mon ezz gettin' ah distress signal from you, no? "

"This is the Captain Duck Dodgers of the Galactic Protectorate. Loveboat eh? Catchy. " Dodgers reached up and smoothed out his head feathers. " Look, it's not really a distress signal, We're just low on fuel and need directions to the nearest stop. "

" Oh, Oui Mon Captain Dodgers, I ess 'eard of you. I can give you zee directions you need, but I will require somethin' in return for zee much needed information.. " There was the clink of metal as the being on screen moved.

" Oh, and what kinda things we talkin' about, Stripes? " Dodgers casted a look over at cadet who shrugged. X-2 blinked a few times. What was all this? Trading items for directions? Was there not an honest soul left in the universe?

" Well, Mousiour Captain, Do you have any beautiful Girls on board zee ship? "

" Girls? " Dodgers scratched a hand into his feathered head and then gave a shrillish laugh. " If had girls aboard this ship, yah think I'd be worried about being lost? "

" Oh? " A tsk followed. " That ezzz to bad Captain, for I have much plutonium and even zee oggly magazines to trade for zee lovely ladies. "

One could FEEL Dodger's eyes getting really big and round and he gripped to his seat as he leaned forward. X-2 stretched his own body up. Catching just a glimpse of Fluffy white hair and blue eyes. " Did you say... Oggly Magazines? Like are we talking 'bout... the kind yah gotta show ID for? "

" Oui, Captain, and Mon has zee stack of them. "

Dodgers splattered spit all over the console. " I'll hail you right back. " He reached over and shut the communicator off. X-2 blinked and stood up. What was he up too?

" ..Dodgers... " The little Martian commander tromped over toward where the duck was foaming and twitching in his seat. X-2 canted angrily at the earthling and put his hands on his hips. " Dodgers, what was that all about? Why didn't you just simple barter for directions? DODGERS! I'm sure there WAS something that other creature would trade for other then females.. "

" No.. " Dodgers wiped spit from he's face onto his sleeve and sighed a bit. " It's too bad we don't have any girls aboard... but... " The earth-ducks bill suddenly split into a very devilish grin and the feathers on his head suddenly became horns. And then, from out of nowhere, Dodgers pulled out a ridiculous corncob curled wig complete with a pink bow, snatched the Commanders helmet off and slapped the item down on X-2's little round head. " .. we do have a fairy little Martian wearing a skirt."

X-2 let out a gasp and he stared dumfounded at the drooling, now-horned duck. " D-dodgers.. you WOULDN'T dare! " X-2 panicked, the realization of what Dodgers was planning on doing stuck him straight in the face.

" Hail Mr. Stinky, Cadet! " Dodgers waved a glove hand and then reached over to grip hold of the Martian's own hands, wrenching them behind his back. Laser hand cuffs were produced, probably from the same placed he'd magically pulled the wig from, and he snapped them together around X-2's wrists.

" B-B-but Capt'n.. You sure this is right? " Cadet stared back between the Martian Commander and the duck.

" Stop stuttering, Pork breath and hail already. " Dodgers snapped and sat back, keeping one hand on X-2's cuffed wrists. All X-2 could do was stand there and blink rapidly. He couldn't believe this was happening. Why was this happening? What was happening?

" .. he'll never fall for it! " X-2 gulped as the screen lit up again. This time, the tiny Martian got a good look at the creature that Dodgers was planning to barter him out for a couple dirty magazines.

Furry. Anthropomorphic. A lean creature of black and white. He had a graceful but strong form. Toned limbs were decorated with scrapes of gleaming metal. Spaced, like some incomplete suit of armor. Chest plate broke into chains that lead down to a cod piece. The creature had a handsome face with twinkling, amorous blue eyes, his forehead wrapped in a jeweled crown. Swiping white head fur, and behind him an enormous striped tail loomed up from his chair.

" Allo? Ah, Captain Dodgers.. " The skunk grinned as he leaned forward in his chair. " Oh.. what is zis I see? " X-2 could feel the piercing blue gaze of this creature as it settled right on him, standing before the view screen in that ridiculous corncob wig. " Mon thought you said you didn't 'ave any pretty girls on board zee ship. "

" I did a double check. " Dodgers grinned, and gave X-2 a little shake. " Found this little Martian cutie hiding in the docking bay. So whatcah say, Stripes? Wanna trade? "

" Dodgers I'm not a gi- " X-2 tried to snap out, but the duck slapped a hand over where his mouth should have been, and chuckled innocently up at the Skunk.

" Oui, She ess very cute, petite ami. " The Skunk gave a wink and settled back in his chair. " Mon shall give you plutonium and all zee magazine's I has for zee pretty little cutie. "

" MUJERS! " X-2 frantically looked at the duck who was already drooling again, and then at Cadet who could only shrug and mouth 's-s-sorry'. He then looked frantically back at the screen. His eyes getting very very wide as the skunk leaned more forward and his lusty perverted smirk took up the whole screen.

" You got yerself a deal, buster. I'm sending 'er over right now. " Dodgers stood up and began yanking X-2 toward the evaporators. X-2 struggled! His feet dragging on the ground as Dodgers literally had to pull him along the metal floor, making a horrible screeching noises as he did.

" Ah, very good to do zee bartering with you, Captain Dodgers, I will be zending zee coordinates along too, perhaps we trade sometime soon 'gain, no? " The Skunk winked. " Zee you aboard Mon Ship, My little petite Martian cutie. "

The screen flickered out.

Dodgers, heaving and hooing, finally got X-2 shoved into the evaporator, and used his body to block the exit, arms holding the sides. He grinned down at the Martian Commander, and smacked his lips.

" D-dodgers... you won't get away with this? How could you do this? You're breaking protocol. " X-2 shoved a shoulder against the duck's chest, but he wasn't strong enough to move him. The cuffs kept him from getting a good swing.

" Hey Cue-ball... Figure it this way, now you don't own me anything for the lift, I'm sure by the time Mr. Stinky finds out you're actually a little faggy Martian BOY in a wig, he'll drop you off on the nearest rock, and come after me, but I'lllllllll be long gone with his magazines. " Dodgers hit a button and stood back. " But 'ey, Cue-ball, you are pretty cute in that wig. "

He hit the button to evaporate.

" Dod- " X-2 cried out before he disappeared in a puff of smoke.

There was a moment of silence, before the other evaporator acted up and Dodgers was greeted with a stack of magazines and a rack of plutonium.

" Hoo boy! " The earth-duck rubbed his gloved hands together.

" Capt'n " The Cadet sighed from where he was. " You know that was t-t-t.. really cruel. "

" Ah the little pipsqueak'll be fine. " Dodgers grunted as he picked up the stack of magazines, and started for the bridge door. " Cadet, get us out of here, Warp 10, and if you need me, I'll be in the bathroom for a good loooong while. "

Cadet shook his head and sighed again. " yes Capt'n. "

--

" ..gers!!! "

Oh. X-2 gave a squeak as the smoke from the evaporator cleared and he found himself standing in the bridge of an unknown ship. The walls were a ominous red and there was the scent of perfume and scented candles to the almost overwhelming point of nauseating.

" Allo there, bebbie. " That accent now loud and direct, caused X-2's eyes to snap to the left. There was the scantly cladded skunk, now standing. He smiled deeply and spread his arms wide at the sight of the little Martian commander, cute in his wig. " Welcome to my Harem Mon Petit, My name is Pepe Le Pew, Zee wide collector of many many beautiful and exotic items form all over zee Galaxy. "

Metal clinked as the skunk began to move forward, walking with a sultry dominance that gleamed in his eyes. " .. but my little Martian turtle dove, you will be callin' me Master.. Zee SS Le Loveboat es also zee slave ship.. Now.. petit ami, let you and moi get zee comfortable with each other. "

X-2's eyes grew pinpointed and he shrunk back into the evaporator as the Skunk approached him.

Dodgers... oh he was going to pay for this!

End Part One.